Remembering my brother

Some of you might not know, but I lost my brother due to Hepatitis C and alcohol abuse in early August, actually the day before my birthday, which made for a great birthday(not to mention that I was another year older.:)) Sometimes, when I have time to think about him and his situation, I think about the many things I would have done differently with him if I had to do it all over again, things that I wish I would have had the courage to do when he was alive. Now mind you, I know that everyone has their own way of doing things, and that people make their own choices, but sometimes you wonder if you could have been the one to help them to turn their life around, if you had just taken more steps to do so. If I had it to do all over again, I would:

Go and visit him more often.
Not get so mad when he didn't show up for family functions, and took them to him, instead of expecting him to have the willpower to show up.
Tell him I loved him every day, whether he was happy with me or not.
Go fishing with him, since it was his favorite thing.
Saw the signs, and helped him deal with his agony.
Looked over my anger at how he took care of himself and took more time to help him to do it right.
Tell him I forgive him for things he did when he was younger.
Take the time to actually spend some quality time with him and not just an hour here or there.
Tell him how much I appreciated the things he did for me when I was growing up, such as getting me out of my house and away from our mother during the summer.
Laughed with him more.
Sang with him more.
Walked with him more.
Took more trips to Heber Springs with him.
Told him what I was feeling, not holding back just because it might hurt his feelings.
Made him feel special.

These are just a few of the things I would have done. You would think I would have learned by now never to take people for granted, since losing both Mom and Dad at a young age, but when I look back on his situation, sometimes it seems as if that is what I did. Then other times, I look at it completely different. Sometimes I see that I was so afraid of any conflict that I was protecting myself by putting up those walls and shutting him out, so it wouldnt hurt so much when something DID happen to him. I was so wrong for doing that, but you can't take things back, and you can only move forward day by day. So, my promise to myself from now on is to let everyone in my life that I love and cherish know just how much they mean to me each time I get a chance. For you guys who read my blog, thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for being my friend against all obstacles. Thank you for believing in me and hanging in there with me throughout the tough times in life. Thank you for hanging out with me when we were growing up, and giving me rides when I didnt have any and smelled like a big old ashtray from being in the house where both of my parents smoked inside. Thank you for being wonderful friends and loving me for who I am and who I was. I love you guys and I hope you all have a wonderful day!!! LOVE YOU!!!